The Ninjas of Konoha
by Shuriken to the face
Summary: Those Leafnin, what will they get up to next? Kakairu and maybe others.
1. Chapter 1

**Ninjas of Konoha**

Still don't own Naruto...what am I doing wrong?

Those Leaf-nin. What will they get up to next?

**Chapter 1**

Shiranui Genma silently closed the bedroom window behind him, leaving his latest conquest still sleeping. '_Not a bad night' _he thought as he began to make his way across the rooftops to his own apartment on the other side of Konoha. _'Maybe I'll even see that one again.'_

It was still very early when Genma reached the streets near the Academy. The only people generally up at this hour were shinobi leaving on or returning from missions, food stalls opening up for the breakfast trade, and a few civilians on their way to work. A couple of people waved as he passed but Genma was mostly lost in thoughts of getting home so he could at least partly recover from the effects of last night before heading to the missions office. That is until his attention was caught by the conversation of two people in a narrow alley below him.

"Last night was great, but you really didn't have to walk me to work," said the brown-haired man Genma recognized as Umino Iruka, the Academy sensei who also often worked the missions desk. _'Hmm, seems I wasn't the only one to get lucky last night?'_ Genma used all of his ninja skills to sneak close to the edge of the roof, all the better to spy on Iruka and whoever it was that had apparently managed to seduce the chuunin.

"Ah, but I wanted to!" replied _'Bugger me! Kakashi?!' _Genma's mind almost imploded. "Besides, I have to kiss you goodbye."

"You already did that when I left my place!" Iruka laughed.

"That was your 'leaving the house' kiss! This is your 'getting to work' kiss!" and Kakashi promptly delivered it. A proper tongue-kiss with groping, finished off with a tender peck on Iruka's nose and a spot of nuzzling. " Love you honey. See you at my place tonight?"

'_Kakashi and Iruka? They hadn't just had sex? They were TOGETHER?!!'_ Genma gasped in shock.

Nothing ruins a moment quite like a choking jounin crash-landing in the middle of it.

Fortunately the impact dislodged whatever had been stuck in Genma's throat. Unfortunately it caused Kakashi and Iruka to stop kissing each other in the street.

"…" said Iruka.

"…" said Kakashi.

"You! And you!" said Genma, pointing at each of them accusingly while getting his breath back.

"Oh hell's tits," groaned Iruka. Both jounin stared at him. "What? I'm not at work and there aren't any children around. I can say that!"

"Ah Genma-san, you must have hurt your head falling off that roof. It seems you imagine…" Kakashi began.

"Give up Kashi-kun," sighed Iruka. "He knows. I have to get to school now." Iruka gave Kakashi a peck on the cheek (or on the mask to be precise). "See you later."

"But…" Kakashi got distracted by Iruka's retreating shape and forgot what he was going to say. _'Mmm, back-of-Iruka. Behind Iruka. Iruka's behind… Hey! Get out of the way!'_ The last thought was directed at Genma who had finally composed himself enough to get up and dust himself off, and in doing so block Kakashi's lovely view. _'Rude bastard.'_

"How long has this been going on?"

"Just over two months."

"What?!"

"But you can't tell anyone."

"You what? Why not?"

"Because we don't want everyone knowing yet. And because you know what I could do if…" Kakashi suddenly looked at Genma strangely. "You look different. Did you get a haircut or something?"

"No and that's hardly the issue… Come to think of it, I feel different." Genma thought for a minute, and then brought his hand to his face to check. "My senbon. I must have dropped it when I fell. Help me look for it, will you? It won't have gone far."

"Use a back-up."

"That was the back-up," Genma began to look on the ground nearby. "I lost the other ones last night."

"And you didn't pick up more before you left home?"

"Well…"

"You haven't been home yet, have you? Again." They didn't call Kakashi a genius for nothing.

Genma just grinned.

"You're such a slut," Kakashi said mildly. He started helping Genma look for his missing weaponry.

Ten minutes later…

"Are you sure? Maybe if we look over here again…"

"Genma, it's definitely gone AWOL. Try thinking about when you last had it."

Genma thought. Then he thought some more. Then he thought the last part again, because it just couldn't have…

"Oh no. Shit!"

"Hn?" said Kakashi, looking up from his new Icha Icha.

"I'm sure I had it when I fell off the roof because I was choking on it…"

"So _that's _why…"

"Yes! Did you think I just fell for no reason? Fucking genins don't do that! Or maybe I decided to dive off a roof on purpose to interrupt your Icha Icha re-enactment?"

"Ok, calm down. I was only wondering. What happened to it after you fell?"

"Well, it got knocked loose when I landed. But if it didn't end up on the ground…"

"Oh, you didn't."

"…I must have swallowed it."


	2. Chapter 2

Don't own Naruto

**Chapter 2**

Eventually, Kakashi asked, "What happens now?"

"I don't know." Genma looked worried. "I've never actually swallowed one before."

'_How?' _Kakashi wondered. Out loud he said, "You should probably see a doctor. Having sharp objects inside you can't be healthy."

"Are you sure? Maybe it'll be ok if I just leave it. Like when Raidou locked me in the file archives and swallowed the key because I came on to…" _(A/N: See Appendix A)_

Kakashi sighed. "Look, I have to see Tsunade now anyway. Come with me and we can ask her. Maybe it will just come out on its own, but you need to check."

"_Great_. Involve more people in this. Fine I'll go, now tell me about you and Iruka."

"I've already told you everything."

"You're lying. I'm a jounin, I can tell."

Some time later they reached the building where the Hokage's office was. However, they were stopped in a corridor by a familiar voice.

"My Eternal Rival! I hope this Glorious Day finds you at the Peak of Youth and Vitality! For I have for you the Ultimate Challenge! It is a Test of…"

"Later Gai. We have to see the Hokage."

"Aagh! Such a Hip Reply! I cannot Dispute that!" Gai exclaimed in annoyance. Then he noticed Genma. "Is that you Genma-san? Where is your Most Exuberant senbon needle? Was it lost in a Great Contest?"

"No."

Kakashi took the opportunity to have some fun. "He swallowed it." His visible eye curved in a smile.

Gai stared at Genma. "You, sir," he said after a moment "are an Idiot. And now, if my Eternal Rival has no time for a Contest at the present, I must bid you both a Fond Farewell! Rock Lee awaits my Expert and Virile Tutelage!"

With that, he left, and Kakashi and Genma continued towards Tsunade's office. They were instructed to wait outside by one of the guards as Tsunade was seeing a couple of Rain shinobi who had arrived with a message. However, only a few moments later two kunoichi wearing Rain symbols exited the office, looking the Leaf nins up and down approvingly as they passed. As Kakashi and Genma entered the office, they heard the short-haired kunoichi mumble "Wouldn't…out of bed…biscuits." Her companion seemed to agree with this mysterious statement.

"I didn't ask you to bring a friend, brat," Tsunade grumbled upon seeing Kakashi wasn't alone.

"I know. I ran into Genma on my way. He needs your advice on a slight problem."

"Well, what is it?" The blonde woman looked at Genma impatiently. "Oh I see. Does this by any chance involve missing senbon?"

"If, hypothetically speaking, someone swallowed one…" Genma felt how Gai had described him.

"Who's swallowed one?" Tsunade interrupted.

"Well, me. But it was his fault!" Genma pointed at Kakashi, who was leaning against the wall looking innocent.

"You have swallowed one of your senbon needles?" said Tsunade slowly.

"Yes."

"The one you habitually keep in your mouth?"

"Yes."

"YES!" Tsunade pumped a fist in the air, obviously extremely pleased.

Everyone else was extremely confused. Surely this wasn't strictly the appropriate reaction?

"Jiraiya owes me 500 ryo! I bet him that you'd end up doing this one day," Tsunade explained, still smiling all over her face.

"Er, congratulations. But what do I do about it?" asked Genma.

"Hmm. Something so long and sharp I don't want to risk letting come through your system naturally. It could do some serious damage. I can book you into the hospital for an operation to remove it this afternoon, and until then don't do anything too active in case it shifts. No missions. And no sudden movements. You don't want to stab yourself from the inside, do you?"

"No…er, look. Do I really have to have an operation?"

Tsunade tutted. Men were always such babies when it came to medical matters, and ninja were the worst. "You certainly do. Don't worry, we'll simply make a small incision in the stomach and whip it out. Take five minutes. You'll be up and about by tomorrow. Come back here at half past one, and till then go and help out with paperwork or something."

"Thanks." Genma left, deciding he may as well do as he'd been told.

'_Screw work, this is much more interesting'_ Tsunade thought, leaning back in her chair. "So, Hatake. How exactly did that involve you?"


	3. Chapter 3

Don't own Naruto

**Chapter 3 **

A large pile of papers with four legs walked into the missions office. Then the papers were set down on a desk, revealing the legs as belonging to a pair of chuunin named Kotetsu and Izumo. The latter headed for the coffee pot while the former picked up a sheet of paper from the pile.

"Hey Izu'. Should this go under 'Accidents' or 'Vandalism'?"

"What is it?" Izumo brought over a cup of coffee for his spiky-haired boyfriend.

"About last week when Kakashi managed to staple his mission report to his hand and the desk, and then threw the stapler through the window insisting it must have some kind of forbidden jutsu on it."

"Mmm. Not sure. It's both really…"

Kotetsu sipped his coffee, then looked up as Genma entered the room and sat down unusually carefully. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." Genma felt better after having gone home for a shower and a new senbon (and brushing his teeth) but he wasn't looking forward to his needle-ectomy or to doing paperwork.

"Are you wanting a mission?" said Izumo, hiding this latest filing conundrum at the bottom of the pile in the hope the next shift would have to deal with it.

"I'm off missions."

"Why?" Kotetsu and Izumo said at the same time.

Genma debated making something up, but he wasn't as good at excuses as certain masked copy-ninja. After a long pause he gave in and told them the truth.

He sent the two desk ninja some of his best death glares, but they just carried on laughing. Eventually Izumo caught his breath long enough to choke out "Wha…How'd you…swa…swallow…it?"

Genma still couldn't think of an excuse. And after all, maybe he should get revenge on Kakashi for telling Gai what he'd stupidly done _and_ making him do it in the first place (Iruka, Genma had decided, couldn't be blamed since he hadn't initiated the kissing). And Kakashi wouldn't really do anything too horrible to him. "I caught Kakashi kissing Iruka, his _boyfriend_," he announced.

"You know about them? And I can't believe you're _still_ chewing on those bloody needles after nearly choking to death on one," Kotetsu said, completely failing to exhibit the necessary level of surprise at the Kakashi-Iruka news.

"I feel naked without it! Oi, do you _know_?!"

Nobody had noticed that Anko had been about to walk in. _'Ahh, bless! They finally got together!' _She took her hand away from the door-handle and ran off to tell someone this huge piece of gossip. Naturally it was all over the village within half an hour.

"But of course. It is thanks to us after all." Izumo bent to retrieve an escaped invoice.

"…I _beg_ your pardon?"

"We set Kakashi and Iruka up. I mean let's face it, they were never going to manage it alone."

"Hopeless, the pair of them. It was blindingly obvious they liked each other, but they both seem to have the romantic awareness of a twig." Kotetsu chipped in.

"Well, yeah. But what did you two do?"

"It wasn't all that difficult actually…" Kotetsu sat down opposite Genma.

Izumo perched on the edge of the table. "We figured copious amounts of alcohol would help, so we made Iruka come out with us, to that bar near the weapons shop, you know, the one you're banned from…"

"I still say that wasn't fair. Asuma broke that chair! And just because I slept with the owner's…"

"He broke it because you hit him with it. Don't interrupt. Where were we, 'Tetsu?"

Kotetsu took up the story. "We needed to make sure Kakashi would be there. That was a bit more difficult. We did think maybe if we laid a trail of porn…but in the end we went for the good old anonymous note."

"We put a message under his door saying to go and drink in that bar that night, alone, if he wanted to find out something he would very much like to know. In Iruka's writing. And it even smelled of his dearest chuunin on account of we put it in Iruka's laundry basket all day while he was at work," Izumo laughed. "Then it was just up to his curiosity…"

"…so of course he showed up. Then we insisted he sit with us, and plied him with drinks as well. Some of which may or may not have been spiked…"

"The next part was meant to involve lots of very clever lying and persuasion, so one of them would finally make a move…"

"Except they kindly made that easy for us by drunkenly falling on top of each other on the floor and then kissing! Next thing we knew they'd both disappeared off somewhere, and that was the last we heard of them…"

"…till a couple of weeks later, when they came to thank us for all we'd done and tell us they were officially, if secretly, a couple!"

Genma looked at the two chuunins with newfound respect. "You two are…_devious_," he said finally.

"Oh no. Not _us_," they said together.

"And since you aren't doing anything…"

"…you can help us with these." Kotetsu dumped a giant pile of papers in front of Genma.


	4. Chapter 4

Don't own Naruto

**Chapter 4**

Still panting slightly, Kakashi and Iruka snuggled down together in Kakashi's bed. They kissed softly, lovingly.

"Mmm," said the unmasked copy-nin when they broke apart "That was nice…"

"Just the kiss?" teased his scar-nosed lover. "Or the rest too?"

"Oh, all of it. I especially liked when you licked _here_, and nibbled _here_, and sucked _here_…" he stroked Iruka's naked body under the sheets, indicating the various places.

"Well if you will insist on being so gorgeous…" Iruka's breathing became slightly erratic as Kakashi began to lick and nibble at his neck.

"Oi." He playfully slapped Kakashi's backside. It didn't deter Kakashi at all. Iruka left his hand where it was, caressing the smooth skin of Kakashi's back and legs and butt. He brought his other hand to tangle in Kakashi's unruly hair, first using it to hold Kakashi in place and then to raise his head so he could kiss him again, more passionately this time.

"Not sleepy, 'Ru?"

"Not really…"

Afterwards, they snuggled up together again. Kakashi retrieved the covers from where they had fallen on the floor and wrapped them around himself and Iruka.

"I still can't get over this duvet cover," Iruka laughed.

"What? I like it!"

"Shuriken-print? It's supposed to be for children or something!"

"Stop laughing…or no sex for a month!"

"Yeah, right… Hey, I like it too. It suits you somehow," Iruka pecked Kakashi on the lips and hugged him tighter for a moment. "I love you. Although it appears our secret's out. Konohamaru asked halfway through an anatomy class if I really had a boyfriend, then one of the girls wanted to know why I was going out with a boy instead of girls like her older brother did. I ended up having to explain sexual orientation. We seem to be the main topic of gossip from what I've heard."

"I know. I'm going to kill Genma. I told him not to tell anyone. I even threatened him, sort of."

"Is it true he swallowed that needle and had to go to hospital?"

"Yeah. I saw him on the way home, he got kicked out early. Apparently he'd been trying to chat up everyone who went anywhere near him."

Iruka chuckled. "Leave him. Kotetsu and Izumo said they'd made him do most of the work this morning as well. He's probably suffered enough. Everyone would have found out anyway eventually."

"I know. The sneaking around was kind of fun though."

"We're just going to have to find other ways to sneak around then, aren't we?" Iruka yawned "'Night baby."

"Night." Kakashi aimed Icha Icha Volume Five at the light switch.

"Mmph?" said Iruka sleepily, after several minutes.

"Mmm hmm?"

"Forgot before. Ibiki's looking for you…"


	5. Epilogue

Don't own Naruto

**Epilogue**

Kakashi slept in the next day. Eventually he rose, dressed and decided he couldn't be bothered making breakfast. He'd buy something in town.

His morning began to go rapidly downhill when the Head of Interrogation accosted him on the roof. "What do you know about this?" said Ibiki in a deceptively calm tone, holding out a stapler.

Kakashi scratched his head. "I believe that is called a stapler, and is commonly used for securing sheets of paper to one another. Quite an ingenious device."

"Anything else?" 

"I'm afraid that's all I can tell you at present. Have you tried the library?"

Ibiki was not amused. "I happened upon this particular stapler when it flew out of a third-floor window and hit me in the face. Does that help to refresh your memory?"

It refreshed Kakashi's memory considerably. Apparently he had not only lost a fight with office equipment that afternoon, but also managed to piss off a professional torturer. What was the best thing to do in this situation? Lie, that's what.

"Not at all, Ibiki-san. My apologies, now if that is all…"

"Oh no you don't." Ibiki caught hold of Kakashi's collar, preventing him leaving. Kakashi could have escaped the hold, of course, but something told him that would be unwise. "I'm not finished with you yet. I already know it was you who threw this. What I'd really like to know is why two of my staff are in hospital with septicaemia and I have spent four days dealing with the chaos caused by this accursed item of stationery. Since you were the last person to have had it, perhaps you could enlighten me as to why anyone would attempt to perform a forbidden jutsu on a stapler?"


End file.
